Does God care if I date?

(Feature image by photostock)

Tessa Hall joins me today and I’m thrilled to introduce her to my readers. I’m pretty sure you’re going to want to get to know her better. Tessa is eighteen and already a published novelist. Her first YA book, Purple Moon, releases this spring. Check out her blog — Christ is Write — for the details.

She contacted me after reading Glass Girl and we struck up a conversation about how to know when you’ve found “the one.” Our thoughts turned to the confusion these days about whether or not it’s okay for Christian teens to date. There are a bunch of books out right now, as you all know, that encourage you guys to work hard to stay pure (great advice) but they disagree on how best to make this happen.

If I were sitting where you sit, I’d be confused. Are they telling you that God disagrees with dating? Or that you’re wrong if you want to casually date a bunch of guys? Are they telling you to never even kiss the guy you’re dating until you’re engaged? Where’s the middle ground? And why are we seeing such a polarizing discussion on the subject lately?

Tessa had some great thoughts because she’s worked through the conflicting advice and found a solution that works for her. I asked her to share with you.

I want this to be a conversation that we have with you! Please comment below with your thoughts so we can work through these complicated issues together. Some of you have had boyfriends since you were young. Some of you have dated a lot of guys. Some of you are following the model of courtship held up in various books today. Tell us about your experiences, good or bad.

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Is it wrong for Christian teens to date?

The Awesome Tessa Hall

It was the beginning of summer after eighth grade, and my two best friends and I were having a sleepover. We were all three newly single since I had just broken up with my first real boyfriend, so they were excited that we could now “flirt” with guys over the summer.

“I don’t know,” I told them. “I want my next boyfriend to be my future husband.” I remember so clearly the look on their faces. They thought I was crazy.

“How are you going to know for sure when you meet him?” they asked. “I don’t know if I could have that much faith.”

I was shocked at their reactions. I thought it was simple… you just know when you’ve met “the one.” Why go out with someone when you know it won’t last and you’ll eventually be with other guys?

They did make me wonder, though, how I could have so much faith. How would I know for sure when I meet my future husband even before I start going out with him?

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Later I heard about the term courtship, which basically means that nothing is official until marriage. Instead of dating, courting is a time of developing a deeper friendship with a person, getting to know his family, and allowing God to grow their relationship naturally—and if it’s His will, have it eventually lead to marriage.

Many Christians who have decided to court rather than date do so because they feel that dating is a worldly activity. And when you finally do meet “the one,” it isn’t as special if you’ve already been with several others. He’ll merely become another of “the ones” you’ve dated. I’ve even heard this kind of dating referred to as being “practice for divorce.”

It makes sense, doesn’t it? So many girls in high school break up with their boyfriend then immediately start searching for another relationship. By the time they graduate, they’ve been in possibly twenty different relationships since grade school. Why? Because we’re romantic, searching for someone who can make us feel special. Besides, the more relationships you’re in, the more “experience” you’ll have once you finally do meet “the one.” Right?

Not really.

Lauren Barlow from BarlowGirl does a pretty good job at illustrating why this should not be the case.

            “God didn’t create one Adam and five Eves and say ‘Go ahead, date around and see which one you like the best.’

He said, ‘Adam, I know what you need and I’m going to create that for you.’”

So if we can’t date just anyone, should we completely rule out dating and only court instead?

I read a book by Joshua Harris a few years ago titled I Kissed Dating Goodbye that explains Christian courtship. This book has some very valuable advice in it, however I wouldn’t agree with 100% of what he says, only because I personally don’t believe that Christians should court only. I’ve learned that God has different stories for each of us.

Here are a few other reasons why I don’t agree that courtship is the only option:

• If it’s is defined as “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, esp. with a view to marriage,” then couldn’t that be the same as Christian dating, as long as the relationship is God-centered?
• Waiting on God doesn’t mean he’s going put someone on your doorstep. When you do meet someone, get to know him first by spending time with him in public places. In God’s timing, you will know when it is okay to go out on a date to spend more quality time with each other. But if you don’t feel right about it after praying, then don’t pursue it.
• Courtship teaches that you can’t even go out on casual dates until you’re married. It’d be difficult to start a courtship with someone without ever having gone on a date with the person in the first place.

The reason, I believe, why so many people are against dating is because of how the world has defined it. However, Christian dating should be different. Because of this, I decided that I wouldn’t even think about going into a relationship without first seeking God’s guidance.

And I was able to keep my word that to what I told my friends the summer before high school. Exactly a year ago, God put this guy I once knew from my childhood back into my life. A few months after getting to know him through youth group, we went out on a few dates. He then eventually asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.

How did I know it was God’s will? Sometimes, when you pray about something, you just know. There were many “God-coincidences” that He gave to both of us confirming that we were in His will.

Sam (my boyfriend) later told me that it was the fact that I didn’t “chase after him” like so many girls do nowadays that made him even more curious and attracted to me. He had to do all the pursuing.

Image by rijnith krishnan

I think what’s so cool about our relationship is the fact that we didn’t force it into being. It happened so naturally, and wasn’t rushed at all. We both were in no hurry find a boyfriend or girlfriend anytime soon.

That just proves that God honors those who wait.

And there has to be that season of waiting. This is why being single and not playing the dating game is so important. We each have maturing in Christ to do before he puts us together with the right person. In fact, growing closer to Him can grow us closer to our future husband spiritually, even before you ever meet him.

So yes, I believe that casual dating to get to know someone is perfectly fine—as long as Christ remains the center.

Some people do feel as if they should court instead of dating. And that’s completely fine too. But to those who choose not to, remember that there’s a difference between a man-made relationship that will only lead to destruction and a God-written romance that will last for eternity.

And trust me, God’s love stories are far more exciting than the ones we try to write for ourselves.

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Thanks, Tessa!

I love when teens and young adults thoughtfully approach issues and try to keep Christ at the center. I love the idea that being single can be a time of waiting and maturing so that we’ll be ready when we meet the one. I also think dating casually as you learn about yourself and about guys can be valuable, too, if your relationships are always centered on Christ. Once I met Alan, it didn’t take long for me to see how different he was from any guy before and how much I wanted him in my life. I just knew. And I think, in many ways, I knew with such certainty because I had dated a few guys before him. But when you’re in a relationship that you know is wrong, end it! If you’re dating the “wrong” guy, the “right” guy can’t ask you out.

I’d love to hear from some of you who plan to “kiss dating goodbye” and stick to courting. What brought you to this conclusion and what, exactly, does courting look like for you? What about those of you who believe this is a time to be single so that you’ll have the freedom to grow your relationship with Christ?

Show some love and send some comments!

Love,